Sorry about the lack of posts

I was temporarily transfigured into a paint bucket.

Respite?!

The last week there has been very little violent torture, because very shortly 8 new contestants will organize in the formula utilized earlier this year. This go-round, the goal is to power a time-machine that runs on talent power. 21st century citizens may not yet be familiar with this form of energy, but the next time you watch "Soul Trains" hold a potted daisy in your lap. The increased metabolism of the daisy will be irrefutable.

It is my hope that, when the talent is culled, when the Apes flee to the future at the end of the 8 weeks, they will set me free and only marginally cripple/disfigure me.

The greatest possible news

The apes, concerned my most sensitive areas would disappear into nothingness (leaving nothing for them to torture), agreed to recover my anus from the dimension they banished it to, reinstall it in my person, and thusly the wormhole that swallowed my perineum disappeared. Sadly, my perineum is still missing. How is such a transitional part of the human body able to completely disappear, without even a floating quantum anomaly in its place? Is my anatomy now stretched to fill the void?

Not exactly. It is difficult to describe. But keep in mind the tricky quantum mechanics of what has been done to my undercarriage.

Now, were you to look directly at the part of me where my perineum was, if it is from the front angle, say with your vision following me starting at my testicles, you are transported suddenly to my rear side. If you attempt to view my perineum from the rear, you will be transported to my front. If you attempt to view it straight-on, your eyes will turn into glass and explode. Likewise, should I try to look at my own perineum in a mirror, I will turn into a creature resembling a mythological basilisk and devour the mirror.

Saved by the quantum anomaly

Looks like the trans-dimensional displacement of my anus caused a tiny wormhole to open several inches away. This wormhole, in turn, swallowed my perineum. There is no longer anything between my anus and genitals but a swirling black-violet quantum anomaly.

Haha!

Looks like I gave you the service, Barry Shirley, as the 21st century saying goes.


Now, to find a way to close the wormhole before it grows and absorbs my scrotum.

Misbegotten Anton

Anton, like most undead, craves cerebral matter for nutrition. I have spent the last 6 days trying to prevent him from burrowing into my ear while I sleep. He is too large to fit, actually. And given that he is toothless and his tongue is not capable of making it around the various bends and turns in my facial orifices, I am not concerned he will do me any harm.

Yet, whenever he thinks I am not looking, he pounces at me. He scrambles for my ear or nostril, desperate for that sweet brain. It is only a matter of time before he realizes my mouth is another option. When Captain Apehab arrives to lower the laptop down in the well bucket, I know Barry Shirley is only a few feet away. Stifling the giggles. He knows I will one day be forced to kill Anton, and subsequently my perineum.

Did he know this would happen? Does he read this blog, calculating Anton's demise as he calibrates the various instruments of torture?

Last night as I was given my weekly spoon of lemon juice and margarine for sustenance, Anton knocked it to the filthy ground. It was lost in the muck. I fear that even my legendary patience will near its end soon, and I will be forced to make the ultimate sacrifice.

Thank heavens

Using a scientific method I came up with in the year 3009 called "The Ulysses Gambit", I managed to reanimate Anton the frog using a moldy cheese sandwich, alcohol-laden urine, and the rubber cement that holds my shoes together. And just in time! Barry Shirley came by the well with the rectumometer "cruising for a bruising" as they say in this era's vernacular. He looked quite upset when he heard the nightmarish sqeaking of my undead amphibian friend.

"Oh fiddlefaddle, I was sure looking forward to shoving this in you and giving your perineum the business! Now my whole setup of punishing you for the dead frog is ruined. Looks like I'll have to empty this bucket filled with battery acid and poop into the well instead."

And dump a bucket of battery acid and poop on me he did.

Anton haunts me from the corner. I am not entirely sure if undead frogs require sustenance. Sooner or later I will find out.

I cured 14 different space plagues

Since I lie in a bed of misery and simian waste, I just thought I would throw that out there, FYI.

A fun little game

Say, do you know binary code? I do, because I have 37 doctorates. Here's a fun little message to decode! Perhaps your ancient "Google.com" can help you find a way to translate binary, if it wasn't one of the additional languages you studied at university:

01010100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 00110001 00110000 00100000 01110100 01111001 01110000 01100101 01110011 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110000 01100101 01101111 01110000 01101100 01100101 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110010 01101100 01100100 00111011 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101111 01110011 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101000 01101111 00100000 01110101 01101110 01100100 01100101 01110010 01110011 01110100 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101111 01110011 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101000 01101111 00100000 01100100 01101111 01101110 00100111 01110100 00101110 00100000 01000100 01101111 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100111 01100101 01110100 00100000 01101001 01110100 00111111 00100000 00110001 00110000 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100000 01100011 01101111 01100100 01100101 00100000 01101101 01100101 01100001 01101110 01110011 00100000 00110010 00100001 00100000 01001001 01110011 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01100001 01100100 01101111 01110010 01100001 01100010 01101100 01100101 00100001 00100000 01001000 01100001 01101000 01100001 01101000 01100001 00100001 00001101 00001010 00001101 00001010 01010000 01001100 01000101 01000001 01010011 01000101 00100000 01000110 01010010 01000101 01000101 00100000 01001101 01000101 00100000 01000010 01000101 01000110 01001111 01010010 01000101 00100000 01010100 01001000 01000101 00100000 01010010 01000001 01000100 01001001 01001111 01000001 01000011 01010100 01001001 01010110 01000101 00100000 01010010 01000101 01000011 01010100 01010101 01001101 01001111 01001101 01000101 01010100 01000101 01010010 00100000 01000100 01000101 01000011 01001001 01001101 01000001 01010100 01000101 01010011 00100000 01001101 01011001 00100000 01000010 01001111 01010111 01000101 01001100 01010011 00100000 01001001 00100000 01000001 01001101 00100000 01000010 01000101 01000111 01000111 01001001 01001110 01000111 00100000 01011001 01001111 01010101 00100000 01001001 00100000 01000001 01001101 00100000 01001001 01001110 00100000 01001001 01001101 01001101 01000101 01001110 01010011 01000101 00101100 00100000 01000011 01001111 01001110 01010011 01010100 01000001 01001110 01010100 00100000 01010000 01000001 01001001 01001110 00100000 01000100 01000101 01000001 01010010 00100000 01001100 01001111 01010010 01000100 00100000 01001101 01000001 01011001 00100000 01010100 01001000 01000101 00100000 01001000 01000101 01000001 01010110 01000101 01001110 01010011 00100000 01001111 01010000 01000101 01001110 00100000 01010101 01010000 00100000 01000001 01001110 01000100 00100000 01010011 01010111 01000001 01001100 01001100 01001111 01010111 00100000 01001101 01000101 00101110

I have a new friend

Today, after awaking in a black and freezing pit yet again, I heard a voice cry down to me from the top of the well. It was Barry Shirley.

"I found a frog for you to play with," he said "His name is Anton. He's just as wriggly as can be! You two can have play time."

I felt the floor near my face and found the splattered, cold entrails of Anton where Barry had dropped him from the great height.

"Don't let anything happen to him, or your perineum will pay! Oh boy, that perineum of your sure will take a beating." and with that Barry Shirley skipped off giggling, not making it clear whether he'd killed Anton intentionally to doom my perineum.

I wish I'd never increased Barry Shirley's intelligence 37 times and taught him that word.

A retraction

I have been informed by Captain Apehab... rather, he has helped me realize that I am still enjoying my cottony faux anus, and I must retract my recent request to have my organic anus returned to me. Also, I have realized that if I go into toxic shock because my fecal matter is bleeding through the sock and into my abdomen's muscular tissue, I wanted it to happen and it is my fault as it is the logical consequence for experimenting on innocent, playful apes.

While I am on the subject, I am incredibly grateful that the apes have allowed me internet access and a voice for my opinions, and I would never do anything to have that taken away from me, such as complain about my medical standards here at the bottom of this well.

Though, my back sure itches. Buttons and beetles, it sure does. I wish I had something long and sharp to scratch it with.

If you are by any chance near the industrial quadrant of Chicago's Pilsen neighborhood and have access to something long enough to impale a humanoid body on, please take a moment to visit the neighborhood's many unmarked industrial wells. I'm not sure which one I'm in, but if you could just start tossing large spearlike things into them, you would be helping me relieve a great burden.

Please kill me.

Alright, I'm starting to miss it

I'd like it back please.

The sweatsock lacks structural integrity.

Requiem for my anus

Last night the apes created a new setting for the radioactive rectumometer that transported my anus to another dimension. This was a relatively welcome vacation from the relentless shredding and defiling my anus is used to. Somewhere, in a dimension that I like to imagine full of cherry-blossoms and sentient clouds, my anus reclines on a bed of morning dew.

In the meantime, I must defecate using a sweatsock the apes sewed into the end of my large intestine. I welcome the change.

Hollywood Ape peed on me at 5:00 this morning, and so I did not die of dehydration as I had resigned myself to. I hope to take this newfound energy and use it to find hope in the 8 new contestants we have drafted to take the apes back to the future. Will the apes take me? Will they undo their brutal slaying of my wife? Will they leave me behind so that I may teach mankind to cure space-syphilis before the great culling of 2017? Only time will tell.