A retraction

I have been informed by Captain Apehab... rather, he has helped me realize that I am still enjoying my cottony faux anus, and I must retract my recent request to have my organic anus returned to me. Also, I have realized that if I go into toxic shock because my fecal matter is bleeding through the sock and into my abdomen's muscular tissue, I wanted it to happen and it is my fault as it is the logical consequence for experimenting on innocent, playful apes.

While I am on the subject, I am incredibly grateful that the apes have allowed me internet access and a voice for my opinions, and I would never do anything to have that taken away from me, such as complain about my medical standards here at the bottom of this well.

Though, my back sure itches. Buttons and beetles, it sure does. I wish I had something long and sharp to scratch it with.

If you are by any chance near the industrial quadrant of Chicago's Pilsen neighborhood and have access to something long enough to impale a humanoid body on, please take a moment to visit the neighborhood's many unmarked industrial wells. I'm not sure which one I'm in, but if you could just start tossing large spearlike things into them, you would be helping me relieve a great burden.

Please kill me.

Alright, I'm starting to miss it

I'd like it back please.

The sweatsock lacks structural integrity.

Requiem for my anus

Last night the apes created a new setting for the radioactive rectumometer that transported my anus to another dimension. This was a relatively welcome vacation from the relentless shredding and defiling my anus is used to. Somewhere, in a dimension that I like to imagine full of cherry-blossoms and sentient clouds, my anus reclines on a bed of morning dew.

In the meantime, I must defecate using a sweatsock the apes sewed into the end of my large intestine. I welcome the change.

Hollywood Ape peed on me at 5:00 this morning, and so I did not die of dehydration as I had resigned myself to. I hope to take this newfound energy and use it to find hope in the 8 new contestants we have drafted to take the apes back to the future. Will the apes take me? Will they undo their brutal slaying of my wife? Will they leave me behind so that I may teach mankind to cure space-syphilis before the great culling of 2017? Only time will tell.