Say, do you know binary code? I do, because I have 37 doctorates. Here's a fun little message to decode! Perhaps your ancient "Google.com" can help you find a way to translate binary, if it wasn't one of the additional languages you studied at university:
01010100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 00110001 00110000 00100000 01110100 01111001 01110000 01100101 01110011 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110000 01100101 01101111 01110000 01101100 01100101 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110010 01101100 01100100 00111011 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101111 01110011 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101000 01101111 00100000 01110101 01101110 01100100 01100101 01110010 01110011 01110100 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101111 01110011 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101000 01101111 00100000 01100100 01101111 01101110 00100111 01110100 00101110 00100000 01000100 01101111 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100111 01100101 01110100 00100000 01101001 01110100 00111111 00100000 00110001 00110000 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100000 01100011 01101111 01100100 01100101 00100000 01101101 01100101 01100001 01101110 01110011 00100000 00110010 00100001 00100000 01001001 01110011 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01100001 01100100 01101111 01110010 01100001 01100010 01101100 01100101 00100001 00100000 01001000 01100001 01101000 01100001 01101000 01100001 00100001 00001101 00001010 00001101 00001010 01010000 01001100 01000101 01000001 01010011 01000101 00100000 01000110 01010010 01000101 01000101 00100000 01001101 01000101 00100000 01000010 01000101 01000110 01001111 01010010 01000101 00100000 01010100 01001000 01000101 00100000 01010010 01000001 01000100 01001001 01001111 01000001 01000011 01010100 01001001 01010110 01000101 00100000 01010010 01000101 01000011 01010100 01010101 01001101 01001111 01001101 01000101 01010100 01000101 01010010 00100000 01000100 01000101 01000011 01001001 01001101 01000001 01010100 01000101 01010011 00100000 01001101 01011001 00100000 01000010 01001111 01010111 01000101 01001100 01010011 00100000 01001001 00100000 01000001 01001101 00100000 01000010 01000101 01000111 01000111 01001001 01001110 01000111 00100000 01011001 01001111 01010101 00100000 01001001 00100000 01000001 01001101 00100000 01001001 01001110 00100000 01001001 01001101 01001101 01000101 01001110 01010011 01000101 00101100 00100000 01000011 01001111 01001110 01010011 01010100 01000001 01001110 01010100 00100000 01010000 01000001 01001001 01001110 00100000 01000100 01000101 01000001 01010010 00100000 01001100 01001111 01010010 01000100 00100000 01001101 01000001 01011001 00100000 01010100 01001000 01000101 00100000 01001000 01000101 01000001 01010110 01000101 01001110 01010011 00100000 01001111 01010000 01000101 01001110 00100000 01010101 01010000 00100000 01000001 01001110 01000100 00100000 01010011 01010111 01000001 01001100 01001100 01001111 01010111 00100000 01001101 01000101 00101110
Friday, July 6, 2007
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
I have a new friend
Today, after awaking in a black and freezing pit yet again, I heard a voice cry down to me from the top of the well. It was Barry Shirley.
"I found a frog for you to play with," he said "His name is Anton. He's just as wriggly as can be! You two can have play time."
I felt the floor near my face and found the splattered, cold entrails of Anton where Barry had dropped him from the great height.
"Don't let anything happen to him, or your perineum will pay! Oh boy, that perineum of your sure will take a beating." and with that Barry Shirley skipped off giggling, not making it clear whether he'd killed Anton intentionally to doom my perineum.
I wish I'd never increased Barry Shirley's intelligence 37 times and taught him that word.
"I found a frog for you to play with," he said "His name is Anton. He's just as wriggly as can be! You two can have play time."
I felt the floor near my face and found the splattered, cold entrails of Anton where Barry had dropped him from the great height.
"Don't let anything happen to him, or your perineum will pay! Oh boy, that perineum of your sure will take a beating." and with that Barry Shirley skipped off giggling, not making it clear whether he'd killed Anton intentionally to doom my perineum.
I wish I'd never increased Barry Shirley's intelligence 37 times and taught him that word.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
A retraction
I have been informed by Captain Apehab... rather, he has helped me realize that I am still enjoying my cottony faux anus, and I must retract my recent request to have my organic anus returned to me. Also, I have realized that if I go into toxic shock because my fecal matter is bleeding through the sock and into my abdomen's muscular tissue, I wanted it to happen and it is my fault as it is the logical consequence for experimenting on innocent, playful apes.
While I am on the subject, I am incredibly grateful that the apes have allowed me internet access and a voice for my opinions, and I would never do anything to have that taken away from me, such as complain about my medical standards here at the bottom of this well.
Though, my back sure itches. Buttons and beetles, it sure does. I wish I had something long and sharp to scratch it with.
If you are by any chance near the industrial quadrant of Chicago's Pilsen neighborhood and have access to something long enough to impale a humanoid body on, please take a moment to visit the neighborhood's many unmarked industrial wells. I'm not sure which one I'm in, but if you could just start tossing large spearlike things into them, you would be helping me relieve a great burden.
Please kill me.
While I am on the subject, I am incredibly grateful that the apes have allowed me internet access and a voice for my opinions, and I would never do anything to have that taken away from me, such as complain about my medical standards here at the bottom of this well.
Though, my back sure itches. Buttons and beetles, it sure does. I wish I had something long and sharp to scratch it with.
If you are by any chance near the industrial quadrant of Chicago's Pilsen neighborhood and have access to something long enough to impale a humanoid body on, please take a moment to visit the neighborhood's many unmarked industrial wells. I'm not sure which one I'm in, but if you could just start tossing large spearlike things into them, you would be helping me relieve a great burden.
Please kill me.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Requiem for my anus
Last night the apes created a new setting for the radioactive rectumometer that transported my anus to another dimension. This was a relatively welcome vacation from the relentless shredding and defiling my anus is used to. Somewhere, in a dimension that I like to imagine full of cherry-blossoms and sentient clouds, my anus reclines on a bed of morning dew.
In the meantime, I must defecate using a sweatsock the apes sewed into the end of my large intestine. I welcome the change.
Hollywood Ape peed on me at 5:00 this morning, and so I did not die of dehydration as I had resigned myself to. I hope to take this newfound energy and use it to find hope in the 8 new contestants we have drafted to take the apes back to the future. Will the apes take me? Will they undo their brutal slaying of my wife? Will they leave me behind so that I may teach mankind to cure space-syphilis before the great culling of 2017? Only time will tell.
In the meantime, I must defecate using a sweatsock the apes sewed into the end of my large intestine. I welcome the change.
Hollywood Ape peed on me at 5:00 this morning, and so I did not die of dehydration as I had resigned myself to. I hope to take this newfound energy and use it to find hope in the 8 new contestants we have drafted to take the apes back to the future. Will the apes take me? Will they undo their brutal slaying of my wife? Will they leave me behind so that I may teach mankind to cure space-syphilis before the great culling of 2017? Only time will tell.
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